Do you remember being a child? Man we had ALL of the hopes and dreams. Everyday we knew exactly what we wanted to be when we grew up. We knew what kind of food, music, and hobbies we liked. Granted, if you’re anything like me, that changed more than a few times. The point is though, we knew who we were. I knew who I was.
Then we grew up. Some of us developed our career, some of us traveled, some of us got married or developed a serious relationship. But one thing we all have in common, that brought us here is: we had kids. Having kids has hands down been one of the most interesting experiences I’ve had in my life. Depending on the day, sometimes those experiences are good…and sometimes they’re not. Despite what type of day we’re having though, the fact that I love my kids literally more than the air I’m breathing has remained consistent. So why hasn’t who I am?
It’s weird to tell someone you don’t know who you are. A good majority of the population wouldn’t even know how to respond to that. I heard one time that a good way to judge character is to listen to how peers describe someone. How would they describe me? “Alexis? Oh that’s Mari and Cali’s mom.” And that’s my biggest defining characteristic. Mari and Cali’s mom. Also, whether I’m a good mom or a bad mom. And it sucks. The craziest part is, I don’t know how to answer those questions any other way myself.
If you asked me to tell you five things about myself, it would be a struggle. Hell, if you asked for three, at least two of my answers would be about being a parent. And I’m not ashamed to say that drives me insane. I can’t give a solid answer about my favorite kind of music. I can’t tell you what my favorite food is. I don’t know what type of career I want. I don’t even know the best method of calming myself down when I’m having a breakdown. I can answer all of those questions about my kids though.
Yes, I’m aware that being able to answer those things about my kids means I’m doing something right. But why did I have to forget myself in the process? Why do I struggle to tell people about myself? And HOW do I fix it? How do I cope with it until it is fixed?
Well readers, if you’re hoping for the way to fix it, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I don’t know how to fix it myself. It took two hours to write my “about me” page. But I am the self appointed Queen of Coping, so I will give you advice on how to do that.
So before we dive into the advice, let me tell you ✨why✨ knowing who you are is important. John C. Maxwell said, “To grow yourself, you must know yourself.” You can NOT become the best version of yourself if you don’t even know who that person is at base level. Knowing yourself helps you set healthy boundaries within your life. Knowing yourself is key to being able to assert yourself more. Lastly, knowing yourself is essential for healthy intimacy.
Now, how do we cope with our lack of self identity? Glad you asked. Meditate. Light a candle. Pray. Do what YOU do to make yourself feel grounded. Do what YOU do to shut out the world and focus on you. Do what YOU do to find some peace, even if it’s for only five minutes. I know we all have kids and five minutes alone seems like an unachievable dream, but you have to try and make that time for YOU.
Test the waters. Try new things, take your kids along for the ride if it’s appropriate. Make a fun family activity out of trying to figure out the things you like to do. Find things that make you happy. More importantly, do those things that make you happy without being scared if someone is going to disapprove.
I’m going to say the thing none of us are supposed to say: it’s okay for it to be all about you sometimes. That’s not selfish, that’s healthy. And I guarantee everyone in your household expects it to be all about them occasionally. It’s only “selfish” when you do it because you’re the mom. How fair is that? “You can’t ever have anything be about you because you made a human.” (I know they don’t actually say that, but that’s my interpretation.) Biggest coping advice: be selfish occasionally. Take yourself, your mental health, and your feelings into consideration. You matter SO MUCH and you need to be well. You need to be well for your kids. You need to be well for you.
**Optimistically, I’ll have a new entry for you guys every Thursday night. Realistically, it’ll probably be when I can focus enough to write something lol.**
The Quiet Struggles 